Rugby gave, Rugby took, and then gave back again.
By Nick Stephen, Dec 10th 2021
Leaving BT Murrayfield in October of 2019 my mind was racing. I had just been told that I would never be able to play rugby again after suffering from repeated concussions and head trauma over a period of years while playing rugby. Murrayfield is a place that holds incredible memories for me having played there 3 times as captain of Edinburgh University, winning a Varsity match in front of 12,000 spectators, and is one of the most uniquely magical sporting venues in the world. However, on October 19th, 2019, it felt like a chasm of upset and confusion.
I was by no means a ‘top class’ rugby player… whatever that means. But I felt I could play, representing; Edinburgh University 1st XV, Scotland Students, & St Peter’s York - all as captain, playing invitational 7s for Rex Club Red Kites, and finally playing a season in the Tennant’s Premiership for Edinburgh Accies. Rugby was my life, my passion, my outlet and was my community - and as I got back on the tram to return to my flat, I realised it was gone. Not only that, but the realisation that I may struggle with the effects of concussion long-term.
Concussion started for me age 19, I can remember the first time I got knocked out badly, for York RUFC against Castleford. I woke up dazed and confused but thought nothing of it - in fact I played the next week. Such was mine and my coaches lack of understanding, this was seen as totally normal. In fact, I felt weak for coming off for a concussion, I didn’t view it as a real injury. I really started to understand this perplexing and incomprehensible injury at university. I remember to this day as a first year in the 1st XV travelling to Nottingham Trent and being ‘sparked’ by a knee to the side of my head while making a tackle. My next memory was waking up in an ambulance, strapped to a neckbeard, terrified. A testament to Edinburgh Uni RFC was their care for me following this, the staff put my welfare first and refused to select me until I was back fit - a common theme as I began to understand the seriousness of a head injury.
Unfortunately for me, this wasn’t my last head injury - over the years I was knocked out as many as 9 more times. 2 of these resulted in me being stretchered from the field and put in an ambulance. The first, against Heriot Watt left me with a headache, blurred vision, light sensitivity, completely deprived me of sleep for weeks and caused me significant mental distress. This is where I believe an important point needs to be made. As well as I was looked after by the Rugby Club, I believe I was hampered significantly in my degree at the time, and the lack of understanding of the seriousness of head injuries lead me to be granted little to no help with my academic studies in the weeks following. This illustrates a wider theme for those that play sport at a good level and risk these injuries - the knowledge in wider society and even in sports teams themselves about the after effects of concussion are often virtually 0, and leaves players exposed and often feeling alone to deal with sometimes traumatic symptoms.
Fast forward a few years - The last time I was knocked out was vs Glasgow Hawks in 2019. By this point mentally I was a shell of the player I was, there was an inevitability in my own head that I would have to stop playing and therefore I was even more committed on the pitch. This one was a bad one. A shoulder to the head and lights out. Here again, the medical staff were incredible and the way I was looked after in the weeks following was nothing short of exemplary. Something I’ll always be grateful to Accies for. That said this spelt the beginning of the end of play for me and led to me meeting a specialist doctor to discuss the long-term effects of the impacts I had received to my brain.
Rugby gave me so much. But by this period, I was left with anxiety about my future, and utter depressive devastation that my one passion had been taken away. I have been, and was, in a very dark place for a number of months following this – and that is a key takeaway for me, and some key advice I would give coaches and players in contact sports. You cannot keep getting concussions and assume these effects will only be physical. The headaches fade, but the anxiety and panic of waking up with no knowledge of where you are, strapped to a stretcher, will stay with you.
Without Rugby and the structure it gave me it was easy to spiral; boozing too much, eating badly, not taking care of myself, however I am fortunate my work became my community and I can honestly say my team at work got me through the worst 18 months of my life following giving up playing. I was angry at the game, confused about what had happened, rudderless and suffering the effects of my injuries. I’d advise anyone who’s taken knocks to the head to speak to a doctor as psychologically this was the hardest period for me, and only when I was able to get some help did I start to see the light again.
Rugby gave, Rugby took, and Rugby then gave back again. Having lost all love and enjoyment for the game I didn’t ever see myself being involved again. But a chance meeting and an opportunity to coach the 2nd team at the club I love has filled the aforementioned chasm. I have that community again – something that I passionately believe we all need as people. I’m lucky to be feeling no lasting effects physically, and I feel I have rediscovered my community.
I’ll finish by saying, enjoy your sport, look after yourself, take head injuries seriously – see a doctor, and check up on your mates. Male mental health is important, and a text, a chat at training, or a call can make all the difference.
#IfInDoubtSitThemOut